Economics for Dummies, Genjyo Sanzo Version
by lawless523
Summary: A series of short takes on the ikkou's finances, expenditures, and other day-to-day practicalities of life on the road. Mildly slashy.
1. Part 1 Penny Wise is Pound Foolish

_**Rating/Warning:** _T for indirect references to m/m sex and mild profanity.  
_**Disclaimer:** _Kazuya Minekura and her publishers own the rights to _Saiyuki_ and its characters and profit financially from them, not me, more's the pity. I only do this for the lulz. No copyright or other infringement is intended.  
_**Summary:** _Penny wise is pound foolish.

_  
Part 1 - Penny wise is pound foolish _

"What do we need toilet paper for?" Sanzo grumbled. He was already in a bad mood because Hakkai had insisted that he, and not one of the other idiots, accompany him on the supply run.

"Sanzo," Hakkai said in that polite yet insistent voice of his that made Sanzo's trigger finger itch because it said things that were so reasonable that he couldn't object to them, "do you remember what happened the last time one of us used leaves to wipe with?"

The pervy kappa's dance had certainly been entertaining, though Sanzo had been forced to clap his hands over Goku's eyes to shield him from the image of Gojyo furiously scrabbling at his ass to relieve the burning itch caused by wiping himself with poison sumac. The man displayed no consideration for the sensibilities of others.

It would have been even more entertaining to watch him suffer and listen to him swear as they traveled in the Jeep. He would have savored whacking Gojyo with the harisen for making a fuss. But Hakkai had taken pity on him and dragged him into the woods to heal him instead.

Sanzo didn't want to think about what else they might have been up to while they were gone. When they returned, Gojyo was grinning from ear-to-ear and Hakkai's hair was unkempt. Judging from the bits of leaves caught in it, Hakkai's hair probably needed shampooing as well.

"Tch," Sanzo spat out, "do what you like." You're going to anyway, he thought to himself.

Hakkai smiled at him. He probably knew exactly what Sanzo had been thinking, the bastard. "Thank you," he said, and put the toilet paper in the cart.


	2. Part 2 Credit Check

_Part 2 – Credit Check_

The Three Aspects were checking the monthly gold card statement, or as the female aspect put it, 'the monthlies'.

"Forty packs of Marlboros and thirty-four packs of Hi-Lites in one month?" one said. "What are they, chimneys?"

"They seem determined to shorten their lives even before they reach Houtou," another agreed.

The third said, "And the secondhand smoke is probably killing the other two as well." After a brief silence, she added, "Not that we expect them to survive the trip."

"Okay, next item." He scowled at the printing. "_A million yen_ for food?"[1]

"They do have the monkey with them. I hear he's a bottomless pit."

"Hasn't he reached maturity yet? I thought it was just teenage boys who ate like that."

"He _is_ making up for five hundred years of starvation."

After meditating on how long it would take to make up for five hundred years of starvation, they concluded he would probably die of injuries or old age before then.

The next expenditures they examined were for beverages. They passed over the cost of root beer and cola, though one of them muttered something about Goku being hyperactive enough without ingesting any caffeine in the form of soda, and the expenditures on coffee and tea, though someone else wondered whether they were mainlining the stuff and why they drank so much more coffee than tea, but looked askance at the cost of alcoholic beverages.

"Why do they have to drink the finest whiskey, Scotch and sake available?" one asked. "Life on the road is not supposed to be cushy!"

"An average of two six packs of beer a day?" another shrieked. "If Goku's drinking soda, that's four cans of beer a day each for the three of them. It's a miracle that they can function."

"Maybe they've gotten so used to it," the third said sagely, "that they don't get drunk or have hangovers anymore."

"I've heard stories of Gojyo and Sanzo stumbling back to their rooms drunk," said the first. "In fact," he said, lowering his voice, "I've heard that Hakkai was seen escorting a staggering Sanzo and looking very smug." [2]

The third voice said sharply, "We shouldn't be trading in gossip."

The second said, "That brings up a delicate subject, though. What is the purpose of these expenditures for lubricant?"

They stared at the twenty-five thousand yen expenditure. [3]

"Not gun oil, I assume?"

"No. Nor is it motor oil, which Hakuryu doesn't need anyway, being a dragon."

Their faces gradually reddened. Finally the boldest of them said, "Surely they can't be..."

The next replied, "They're all men..."

The female snorted, "All the more reason for it! If others are available to satisfy their urges, how long would they be satisfied by themselves..." Her voice trailed off. "Well, you know."

They stared at each other. Surely they weren't having sex with each other? And one of them a priest?

Then again, the particular priest was never particularly conventional.

They sighed. "Perhaps," one ventured, "we should write Priest Sanzo about these questionable expenditures?"

After some thought, they agreed on this course of action, which is why, several carrier pigeons and dragons later, Genjyo Sanzo held in his hands a missive from the Three Aspects that read as follows:

To the Honorable Genjyo Sanzo, 31st of China:

We hope this finds you and your companions well and not currently suffering from any injuries. We have a few questions about last month's gold card expenditures in the following categories:

1. Cigarettes  
2. Food  
3. Alcohol  
4. Lubricant

We would be pleased to receive an accounting or explanation of these expenditures at your earliest convenience. If we do not receive a satisfactory explanation, we will have to impose a credit limit of twenty million yen a month.

Your humble guides,

The Three Aspects

The following day, a carrier pigeon left for Chang'an with this response:

Dear interfering busybodies:

Gojyo would be more insufferable and I would be more of a bastard without the cigarettes, so lay off.

You don't know how annoying and whiny Goku can get when he hasn't had enough to eat. Besides, he's the strongest and best fighter of the four of us. You want to hamper us?

We need the alcohol to get through the tedium of days on the road interspersed with the stress of near daily attacks. You come down here and put your lives on the line every day and see if you can do without some booze. Sometimes you just need to forget.

As for the lubricant: what business is it of yours if we fuck each other? I repeat: Sometimes you just need to forget. That includes forgetting, or at least obliterating for the moment, the normal friction, jealousies, and disagreements that occur among four people forced to spend all their time together. Yes, I mean people. Human, human turned youkai, half-youkai, and whatever the fuck Goku is, it makes no difference. We all relate to each other in human terms.

Just consider these necessary morale boosters. If you impose a credit limit, you can take this mission and shove it where the sun doesn't shine.

But if I were you, I wouldn't want to face four pissed off and battle-hardened warriors, two of who possess terrifying youkai powers when they remove their limiters.

Your humble servant,

Genjyo Sanzo, 31st of China

[1] Approximately $10,000 US dollars at a conversion factor of 100 yen per dollar.

[2] This is based on an actual story by LJ user Feait and an illustration by LJ user Error256, but due to FFN's limitations, the web address won't appear here. PM me if you're interested in the link.

[3] Approximately $250 US dollars.


	3. Part 3 It All Comes Out in the Wash

_Part 3 – It All Comes Out in the Wash, or Home Economics_

Sanzo was leaning against the folding table at the local laundromat, fuming. Signs plastered all around the room warned "No Smoking". Hakkai had insisted that he put his cigarette out, both because the spark could ignite the gas dryers and because there were no ashtrays, and therefore no place to discard the ashes properly. Hakkai objected to him strewing ashes on the floor.

"Tch. It's not like you have to clean it up," Sanzo retorted.

"I sympathize with whoever has to clean it up. I know what it's like to clean up after chain smokers."

From his seat near the dryers, Gojyo snorted.

The dryer closest to where Gojyo was sitting shut off with a clunk. Sanzo opened the door and examined the first robe he pulled out.

"Shit," he said in disgust. "Isn't there any way you can get these robes cleaner? This one still has stains on it."

Hakkai peered over his shoulder. "I'm sorry, Sanzo," he said apologetically. "I've washed them in the hottest water possible and I've done all I can with the laundry products at my disposal. It's difficult to get berry stains out of clothing, especially when the clothing is white cotton."

Sanzo glared at Goku, who looked sheepish and blushed. A slight accident with some blueberry pie had caused the stain, much to Sanzo's consternation and distress.

Hakkai continued, "Somehow white robes don't strike me as very practical. I don't think whoever designed the sanzo priest's outfit expected them to do a lot of traveling under adverse conditions like we do."

"No shit," Sanzo muttered. He kept to himself his supposition that it was that pain in the ass Kanzeon Bosatsu who had decided on the sanzo priest's uniform just to piss him off.

Sanzo continued pulling clothes out of the dryer. When there were no more clothes left, he looked around distractedly and said, "Where are my black undershirts and gauntlets?"

"They have to be hand-washed," Hakkai responded. "They're made of silk, which shrinks easily."

"Damn it," Sanzo said, "I don't have any clean ones. How long will it take to wash and dry them?"

"Washing them doesn't take that long," Hakkai said, "but drying them might take awhile, depending on whether I can find someplace to hang them outside and on what the weather's like." He refrained from asking why he was just now finding out that Sanzo didn't have any clean shirts and sleeves.

Gojyo gestured to Hakkai. When he got close enough, he whispered to him," Have you ever considered washing them in the machine and _letting_ them shrink? It'd serve that prick right. Besides, he'd look even hotter if his undershirt were tighter."

"Why are you so interested?" Hakkai asked patiently. "One of us isn't enough?"

Gojyo smirked. "C'mon, 'Kai, don't pretend you don't notice. I've seen the way you look at him too. Though it might be a little _too _much fun to look at him with his shirts all shrunken like that."

"I'll consider your suggestion," Hakkai said, adding in a thoughtful voice, "I think I'll wash the sleeves by hand. They shouldn't take as long to dry and though they are stretchy, there's more of a chance they won't fit if they shrink."

"Monkey ought to thank us," Gojyo observed. "I've seen him sneaking hungry looks at Sanzo when the undershirt's exposed."

"Ha ha," Hakkai replied. "The things we do for entertainment around here."

Sanzo, who couldn't hear what they were saying, glared at them from the other side of the room, certain that if he _could_ hear what they were saying, he'd be displeased.

_/fin/_


End file.
